I’ve had multiple texts from friends with numerous theories from friends asking me why on earth the name of my next single is called “INDY BLUE”. No one has gotten it right quite yet, so I’d like to set the record straight.
In 2018 I was in a bad place. Like a REALLY bad place. Suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety so extreme I couldn’t leave my house. I felt like the little amount of notoriety I’d achieved within my religious community had genuinely ruined my life. I felt like, and sometimes still feel like I had become a joke among my peers, and the only people listening to my music were white Moms in Alpine, UT and their kids under 5. I felt misunderstood and pigeonholed as someone who made religious music or BYU songs. All of the music I’d made about my struggles with child abuse growing up, my divorce, and real things were over shadowed by songs that really have nothing to do with anything. Music had become such a regretful part of my life that if you brought it up around me I’d actually become upset because of all the hate and judgement from members of my own church for not living up to their expectations.
Although depressed, I was still logical and realized that my notoriety had only encompassed my religious community, and if I were to make the decision to leave it behind, I no longer would have to live a life as a public figure and my problems would be solved. So I began my journey to leave the church. I read anti literature, I stopped praying, stopped reading my scriptures, I stopped accepting invitations to speak at firesides and started attending other Christian churches. I even carved out time and spent countless hours just thinking about whether or not I was gay. (That’s a blog post for another day, but it turns out I’m straight) What’s hilarious is that no matter how hard I tried to undo my belief in the restored church or the book of mormon, I couldn’t. I couldn’t deny what I felt God had told me over and over again. At that point in my life I genuinely wanted nothing more than to not believe it, but simply couldn’t. I believed it was all true, and that belief was here to stay.
You’re probably thinking, ok James.. like, thank you for being vulnerable sharing your testimony but what does this have to do with your new song being called “INDY BLUE”.
Indy comes from the same community as I do, and has opened up about her mental health issues as a result of being a public figure except her notoriety reaches much farther than mine, she’s younger than me, and I’m positive she has to deal with so much more backlash. But she doesn’t let that stop her from living her best life. She pushes though the painfulness of it all and keeps her family and friends right by her side whilst doing exactly what she wants when and how she wants. She doesn’t spend a year of her life in her house worried strangers might bring up her insecurities in an uncomfortable conversation. She takes her best friends and spends a week in Thailand, Croatia, or wherever she chooses to be that week. INDY IS LIVNG HER BEST LIFE WITH PEOPLE SHE CARES MOST ABOUT, and regardless of who you are or what you believe that is inspiring!
When I saw that, I felt that, and I decided to do the same thing. I might not be flying all around the world but I’m going to believe what I believe and live my life the way I want to live my life with the people who I care about most. And I’m going to release the music that I’ve made even if the only people listening are White Moms and their kids. I’m gonna look for the silver lining in every situation while spending the little bit of time I have left on this earth with the people that matter most to me. “Like I’m Indy Blue”
“Indy Blue” comes out wednesday June 26th